Encountering each other

This post should have been written a week ago when Lin Kiat and I returned last Sunday evening from our Engaged Encounter weekend organized by the Catholic Church. There were many things about the weekend that moved me, and I wanted to wait till I had some spare time and a list-free mind (ie. not stressing about other things like work or wedding preparations) to put them all in writing.

Lin Kiat and I signed up for Engaged Encounter (ours was the 300th weekend, 14/03/03-16/03/03) because we intended to marry in church and because I'm Catholic. Of the seven sacrements that Catholics believe are ways of directly encountering Jesus, only two are sacrements of service, directed towards the salvation of others: Matrimony and Holy Orders. Everyone can imagine how much preparation is needed for a man to become a priest, but few believe it takes a lot to ready oneself - or rather two people - to be married.

We prepared for this weekend without knowing what we were getting ourselves into. Honestly, we just wanted it to be over swiftly. We needed the certificate and we wanted it fast. On Thursday, the day before EE was to begin, we packed our bags and moaned quite a bit. Bug repellant, check. Sweater, check. Shampoo, toothbrush. Check, check. Excitement? Er, hmm. What we felt was fear of the unknown. I was steeling myself for cold showers in Punggol and early breakfasts with strange couples equally anxious and unwitting about the weekend.

The reason why we approached the weekend totally ignorant was because couples who've previously gone for this course have been requested not to reveal too much about Engaged Encounter. My god-sister only mentioned bugs, cold nights and fun. In actuality, not knowing heightens the experience and gives the weekend a unique and never-a-dull-moment quality. It also perpetuates the element of fear so that everyone who's done the weekend gets to enjoy watching the faces of the next round of newbies.

Engaged Encounter is a course run internationally by the Catholic Church. It began in 1968 in Detriot - Michigan! Yeah! Go Blue! Sorry, couldn't resist that - and came to Singapore in the 1980s. Today, you can attend the EE course anywhere in the world and know that every course is based on the same formula, which I believe was derived by psychologists, counselors, spritual advisors et al.

From here, there are a few options. Choose which suits you better:
1) I'm Catholic and will probably go for EE eventually with my fiance/fiancee, so I can't read further, but would like to know more about EE. I'll choose to read more here and not read the rest of this post.

2) I'm not Catholic, I'm Vanessa's friend and want to read all or as much as she can tell me about hers and Lin Kiat's experience at the weekend encounter. I've been waiting a long time for her to write about this weekend she keeps waxing lyrical about. Scroll down.

3) I'm Catholic. I don't mind reading about EE before I actually go for it one day, even though I really shouldn't. Scroll down at own risk.

4) I'm Lin Kiat and I want to make sure Vanessa isn't writing funny things about me. Well, the weekend is my story too, and I want to read and remember the good things that happened during the three days. Definitely read on!

We found the location in Punggol without any problems. In fact, we got there early and drove past Punggol 17th Avenue (deliberately?), heading instead for the jetty at Punggol Beach. We spent some fifteen minutes there, admiring the sea, the fading sunlight and cooking up excuses not to go for the course. Lin Kiat was more vocal and I kept playing the strong one - "No, we're going to do this" - although inside, I was just as apprehensive as he.

Eventually, we left the pretty sunset and mild breezes behind and drove back to the darkening Punggol 17th Avenue. There was St. Francis Xavier Major Seminary, though that wasn't our destination (as mentioned earlier, there are only two sacrements of service, and one chooses either matrimony or holy orders - can't do both, for obvious reasons). Past that was the Marriage Encounter House (Marriage Encounter is another course, one that couples attend some years into their marriage. Lin Kiat and I will let you know more on that one in the future), where Engaged Encounter is held.

There were a few other couples there - some were about our age, others were older, but all were wearing the same look of dread and fear that I imagine we had on our faces. Lin Kiat and I sat down with our bags and a couple talked a little with us - Ivan and Natalie from Malaysia.

Within the next half hour, all 32 couples were registered and the weekend officially began. The presenting couples were Lewis and Connie (Connie's the boss in that marriage) and Melville and Susana (Melville has a bad sense of direction when driving). The priest for this weekend was Father Ambrose Vaz. How lucky Lin Kiat and I were to be there on the weekend with Father Ambrose. Father Ambrose's mother was my father's English teacher in secondary school. When I was small, our family, with the families of three other old students (the old faithfuls, my mom calls them), would spend Christmas and birthdays with Auntie Vaz, Mr Vaz, Ambrose and Eugene. Ambrose and Eugene later became ordained as priests, and my parents attended their ceremony and dinner. After Aunty Vaz passed away, the gatherings ceased and I didn't see the other Vaz family members for many years.

Anyway, Father Ambrose was the key to the terrific weekend. His humor, wit, inspiring anecdotes and sensitivity to non-Catholics made everyone comfortable and actually happy to be there that weekend. One of the first things he said was, "Are you afraid of being bored? Well, you'll be spending the next 46 hours with the person who's supposed to be the most interesting person to you. If, at the end of the weekend, you say you were bored, remember that this is the person you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with. If you're bored, something's not right yet, yeah?" Other aspects of the weekend course that Father Ambrose brought to our attention included not socializing with other people - no parties, no large gatherings - because we ought to be focusing our attention on our partners. These were 46 precious hours to close ourselves away from the world and its burdens, and think only of the person beside us and of the life we were preparing to spend together.

The main activity of this weekend was writing and talking. There is a set list of topics the course will introduce, which include how we view ourselves, how we view our partners, communication, financial planning, family planning, the spiritual aspect of marriage, and how to be life-giving and generous to each other. The presenting couples will then relate their experience, choosing events relevant to the topics. Out of respect to the two couples whom Lin Kiat and I have grown fond of, we cannot repeat what they revealed to us over the weekend. It took great courage and generosity to share what they did with us - the high and low points of their marriages, the burdens and unexpected sorrows and joys they encountered over their years together.

Each young couple is then given a list of questions and they sit apart and write their answers in their journals. They then join up and exchange books, words and thoughts. Everyone is encouraged to take the questions and answers seriously. It can be painful and emotionally draining when two people bring up thoughts too deep and vocalize feelings they never dared reveal before. There were couples who looked tense during their sessions - some girls were crying softly - and some who looked calm and happy. It was typical for the girls to write more and the guys to jot their thoughts quickly. Lewis reminded us girls that it wasn't a writing competition and that whatever questions we couldn't cover in time, we should take them up even after the weekend is long over. Lin Kiat and I were often curious about the other couples - some seemed really young and anxious about discussions on marriage, others looked confident and some just looked plain bored. I wonder what others thought about us. Ultimately, it didn't matter what we looked to the rest of the people, what counted was what we shared and said to each other.

Lin Kiat and I were happy to discover how much our thoughts and hopes were in sync. And for the bits which we didn't agree on, we agreed to find a balance between each other. One of the final sessions, which was one of the high points - actually, it was the high point - guided couples to write bethrothal pledges to each other. A promise or promises we agree to keep while we make our journey towards the altar and beyond. Naturally, mine included a vow to stop whining about fiddly wedding preparations and to control my stress levels that rise way out of proportion to the actual situation. There were a few more things I promised Lin Kiat that out of privacy I won't reveal here. Lin Kiat's pledge - I've always prided myself on being the more articulate one when in fact, I'm not (Lin Kiat's the one whose letters get published in The Straits Times Forum) - was better than mine, I'm happy to report. I can't say much more except that it included a sketch of a landscape that is dear to my heart and contains all the things that we care about and often dream of.

There was a prayer session on Saturday night that moved us both. One expects non-Catholics to be averse to such activities, but this one was special and easy for anyone to appreciate because it focused on praying and blessing each couple, that they would share a special and lasting bond. Who wouldn't want that? A good marriage is a photograph of God - His presence and gift of love is there for the couple to embrace. A person can find protection and comfort in that knowledge, in whatever form he sees God. At ten pm, the session began, and Father Ambrose told us that around Singapore there were couples who had been given our names and were praying at that very moment for us. Each couple was given a candle - their EE candle - and it was lit by the presenting couple or Father Ambrose who prayed over them. This candle is meant for the couple to keep and use on their path leading up to the wedding day - for trying days and in difficult times. On the wedding day, they get a larger candle to last them for more than 25 years of difficult moments. Renewable, of course.

I did experience a couple of cold showers and awkward breakfasts during the weekend. People were generally polite but distant. My roommate, Trina, was intriguing and my natural curiousity wanted to know more about her and Lester, her fiance. But restraint held my tongue and I avoided asking too many questions and overdoing the socializing.

Lin Kiat enjoyed the weekend more than I believed he ever would, and we're more than ready to exchange our vows come July 19th. We finally understand the significance of marrying in church before God and how God will always be a part of our marriage union and how He continues to watch over us. For the mass on Sunday evening, Lin Kiat and I were invited to write and read a prayer for all couples in the room and across the world. In an extension of making and sharing that prayer for couples, Lin Kiat and I decided to volunteer for future weekends! A move on Lin Kiat's part really - it was all his idea, and I'm really proud he did so.

The weekend wasn't easy. It was draining because we dug deep into our hearts and unearthed the most difficult and inspiring parts of our relationship. It was exhausting because of the endless sessions that ended late on both nights. I didn't sleep well and missed my own bed. But the discomfort and pain was worth what Lin Kiat and I had gained. What we gained was all intangible. I can't ever bottle it and keep it handy. It's all in the memory and of course, in our books, which we'll never show to anyone but each other.

Posted by Monoceros at March 24, 2003 12:09 AM