monoceros blogsEvery good life has its turns. I now know what it's like to be so confused I can't take the next step without worrying, to start at the smallest thing, to break down at the slightest prod. I can't seem to work properly and I find no pleasure in going about town or eating out. I have an agent in New York who's probably waiting for my work but I haven't written a word or sent her anything. I only dwell and obsess on everything that's gone wrong, on what I can or can't fix. When I was younger, my greatest regret was stealing my brother's glasses and ruining my 20/20 vision. Now I've got any number of regrets clamoring for that top spot.
I think a lot about emotional turmoil. It's wanting to cry in your mother's arms, wanting to be comforted by her voice but not being able to because you don't want her to suffer as she watches her daughter come undone. So you cry in the shower; or if you've nowhere else to go, you cry alone in a corner of the public swimming pool where no one can tell the tears from the blue water, and if you emerge with red eyes, you can blame the chlorine; or you go to the sea and dip your head in until you imagine the waves carrying your tears to another part of the world. It doesn't help when your grandfather comes to you when he's at his lowest and says he wants to end everything. He asks the same question: what else is there to live for? You used to tell him, you'll see my brother marry, you'll be a great-grandfather, but you don't anymore.
Emotional turmoil is also letting someone go, watching them leave you and fearing they won't return. It's knowing you say the wrong things only after you've said them and still, you stupidly keep saying them. It's wanting to help people but not being able to get near them because they won't let you. It's writing to those you hope will give you support and not hearing back from them. It's thinking they don't care, they won't hear your cry for help. It's knowing they're aware of your problem but say nothing to you because they'd rather ignore it. Or perhaps they'll allude to the problem and say something mildly placating but those words only trivialise what you're feeling.
Every week, I save a couple of cards from the Postsecret site. I could collect several dozens of these and map out my life.
No, I don't want to be a cold corpse by my own hand. I have a few things that bring comfort to me yet, even if some of them are merely cold comforts. There are many books I want to read and a few I'd like to write; places I want to see; people I want to meet; apologies I have to make; mistakes that I hope I can still right.
Comfort is a precious thing and you don't notice this till you really need it. Sometimes it's being able to forget and be distracted by the world that's so much larger than your problems; sometimes it's listening to a song; and for now, it's writing the last lines to a poem, a story, a blog entry.
And what did I want from writing this entry? I'm not sure. But I know I can't explain my problems and I don't want anyone's pity. Most days I just get by, others I'm sunk so low you'd have to spend hours digging me out. Perhaps tomorrow some of my thoughts and ideas will change, but for tonight, this is what I feel. What I've been feeling more and more over the past few months. I don't know how I'll be tomorrow or half a year from now. But I'll be here.
Posted by Monoceros at January 27, 2006 9:21 AMi don't know exactly what it is that caused you this pain but well, we all go through this period of darkness at least once in our lives-i know i certainly have. but yes, in the end, we are still here because eventually things will get better, they have to get better there is nowhere else to go.
have faith, you are strong enough to weather through this. we are with you.
Posted by: yAnn at January 27, 2006 11:39 PMmonoceros... i feel like that a lot too, only i could never put it quite so well as you do... there are many things that spark that sort of sadness; little as they may seem when hidden away in nooks and cranies but then suddenly with the right or wrong tweak of thoughts and ruminations, they erupt into a volcano of angst... living is quite a struggle... because there's no obvious way how it will be and we try to carve it little by little but there are other things that pop up along the way... like an injured friend, a death, other set-backs... it's hard to pick oneself up... hard to let go... hard to get back on track... etc. but there are also people who care...
big big hugs, monoceros...
Posted by: tiggie at January 28, 2006 1:09 AMHi Monoceros, its hard to imagine it, but I've been a loyal vistor to your blog since last year. I feel that I already know you, and I feel for your that you are feeling so low. I believe that God has plans for everything that happens to you, like an unpolished diamond, he places trials before you so that you can emerge a better person. There are many people out there rooting for you to get better. Cheer up!
Posted by: Kermit at January 28, 2006 1:24 PMThank you, yAnn, tiggie, and Kermit. Your words mean a lot to me right now. I truly mean that. For certain reasons, I've had to bear this on my own for a long time, and I'm sorry I won't say more except "thank you." I hope you're right, that all will work out in the end. I really do. Comfort came most from where I least expected and fell through nearly everywhere else.
Posted by: monoceros at January 28, 2006 2:58 PMthank you, i could really relate to this. there are others in the darkness right now as well.
Posted by: m. at January 28, 2006 10:35 PMwhen life throws you a lemon, make lemonade out of it. there are many things in life that are beyond our control, just don't take it too seriously or personally.
Posted by: PS at January 30, 2006 5:31 PMm, you're welcome. I hope things work out for you too.
Will try my best, PS.
Posted by: monoceros at January 31, 2006 6:59 PMtake care monoceros.
Posted by: a l at February 1, 2006 11:17 AMhey a l, thanks as always.
Posted by: monoceros at February 1, 2006 5:24 PMHang in there girl!
Posted by: rhys at February 3, 2006 9:48 AMHi rhys, I'm not sure if you've commented before - the fault lies with my poor memory - but thanks for doing so this time. Will hang tight, by the nails if I have to.
Posted by: monoceros at February 3, 2006 11:23 PMhi monoceros,
it's lj here fr aa.. i dont usually visit blogs of closer friends, in a weird way i feel like i'm intruding into their privacy, even though i know blogs are meant to be read.. just happened to be playing ard w my bookmarks tonight after not being able to sleep after a huge cup of latte at midnight..;)
anyway just wanted to write to say dat j n i will always b behind u no matter wat u might think u have done, n i'm sure he (n i) will b most upset if u ever did anything awful to yrself. u're truly one of our most sincere n earnest friends, n i tink u're a way cooler person den u realize!:) pls take care, if not for yrself, at least for us (in a selfish kinda way..).. we do miss u a lot here.
p.s. i'm still looking for that marvin keychain..
hi!
come across yr weblog... can feel the sadness in your entry..
Jus wanna say... regardless of what u've been through or currently going thru', i believe dat so long as u have faith in Him... nothing is impossible!
U'll emerge stronger than before... take care
Thanks, Chris. You needn't worry, I'll never let go of my faith.
Posted by: monoceros at February 9, 2006 12:12 AMHi monoceros,
I've also been a reader of your blog ever since I came across it about half a year ago, when I was searching the Web for "Vienna Teng", and found something much more. Your writing caught my mind. And several of the poems you have selected to post have actually helped me to understand things, people, events, at just the right moment. They are truly little gifts.
This the only stranger's blog I read, because your writing has such profound effect and relevance to my own thoughts and emotions. Almost in "real-time".
I went through one of my biggest lows recently also. Someone asked if I could "focus on the good things we have"... in relationships, life, etc... because nothing is perfect. There are always good and bad. The state of mind can be in either a vicious or a positive cycle. It sounds simple and obvious, but to have someone say these things to me actually snapped me out of it.
Posted by: dancing dragon at February 10, 2006 3:11 PMHello, dancing dragon, thanks for writing. It surprises me how people relate to my blog entries - some of which are really quite silly - but if they help folks other than me, than I'm glad. =)
I hope you're far past your low point. It's hard to see, but there's certainly more to life than the very thing that affects us so much.
Posted by: monoceros at February 11, 2006 10:49 PM