These are times that try men's souls

Rant: I expected the months of March and April to be packed with work, but not this packed. The tasks are still the same, just more difficult to get through and taking longer than I'd planned. Plenty of grading, of course, which I was prepared for, but the editing is increasingly frustrating for reasons I shouldn't say. I'm already behind schedule as it is! And everything has to be clean and perfect or the software won't read the files. So I can't do a speedy job either; I'm very sore about the situation. I also have a task to complete in less than a week for my CELTA application, and application essays from my students to read and comment on, which I agreed to do since no other instructor would help them. Why can't I say "no" to people? Why does "bad timing" have to be the subtitle to my life?

Balm: Of angels and angles, by The Decemberists

Things I've read or heard during brief breaks:

It is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one's existence; that which makes its truth, its meaning, its subtle and penetrating essence. It is impossible. We live, as we dream - alone. ~ Joseph Conrad, from Heart of Darkness

If man does not live by bread alone, a nation does not survive in the long term by material prosperity alone. I’m going to risk being churlish and say that as long as Singapore’s leaders do not pay heed to the fundamental needs of the human spirit, they can never be called wise, only clever, and as long as the nation they lead is admired only for its material achievements, it can never be called great, only successful. ~ Catherine Lim, from "A challenge for the future: Democratising the Lee Kuan Yew model of governance?"

In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love; they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock. ~ Harry Lime, from "The Third Man"

Birthdays

"On Turning Ten" by Billy Collins

The whole idea of it makes me feel
like I'm coming down with something,
something worse than any stomach ache
or the headaches I get from reading in bad light--
a kind of measles of the spirit,
a mumps of the psyche,
a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.

You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
but that is because you have forgotten
the perfect simplicity of being one
and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.
But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.
At four I was an Arabian wizard.
I could make myself invisible
by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.

But now I am mostly at the window
watching the late afternoon light.
Back then it never fell so solemnly
against the side of my tree house,
and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
as it does today,
all the dark blue speed drained out of it.

This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
time to turn the first big number.

It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.

Tomorrow, I'll be attending the first 30th birthday party of the year. My friend, Peiming, doesn't feel ready to be 30, but she's in a good place in life, with almost everything she could possibly want; I feel she's more than ready. Me? Not so much. We'll see in September. Akan datang.

Breathing

A song was playing in the car over a month ago, and my friend, B, said it was good advice.

Keep breathing, by Ingrid Michaelson

A quick search on iTunes unearthed many more songs about breathing, most of which are from "Grey's Anatomy," a show with a number of extras and guest stars whose characters eventually stop breathing.

Breathe me, by Sia
Breathe in, breathe out, by Mat Kearney
Breathe (2 AM), by Anna Nalick