monoceros blogsThe word "anniversary" is based on the Latin "anniversarius," meaning "to return yearly." It's based on the root words "annus" (year) and "versus" (to turn).
Lin Kiat and I marked our first year of marriage with brunch, presents, a boat ride down Singapore River (I confess I've wanted to do this for a while), and a delicious dinner at Pontini.
In the morning, we opened a gift from my mother and a card in which my brother, Randy, added a note too. We later went to the bookstore and picked out books for each other. The traditional present for the first year of marriage is paper, so we decided to get a paper product for each other, and a book fit the bill perfectly.
The boat ride down Singapore River was fun. I love being on water!
We then decided to try out this great Italian restaurant I'd heard about from some friends. Pontini can be found at Grand Copthorne Waterfront Hotel. Superb Italian cuisine. I recommend the ostrich carparccio with avocado and asparagus, and paparadelle with duck ragout and foie gras. The tiramisu there is also excellent, I hear.
Yesterday, Lin Kiat sent me an sms telling me he'd pick up the car from the florist and asking me if I was having pre-wedding jitters - heh, talk about re-living the events of last year. To my amazement, my mother had kept the text messages I'd sent her on the wedding day.
Lin Kiat and I have only spent some four months together in our first year of marriage, and knowing we'll have to go through more months of separation is hard. It's not the most conventional of marriages, I suppose! But as far as happiness goes, we've got plenty.
After a great day, I'm now down with a bad throat infection from which I have to recover because LK and I decided rather quickly that we want to go to Hong Kong next Thursday! My brother generously offered to sponsor us since it had been his plan since last year to send us away somewhere for a proper honeymoon.
On another note, LK and I are happy to report that my tennis is improving! I can actually send the ball over the net with a nice "thwack"!
Lin Kiat and I have been married for a little over a month now. The time drawing up to the wedding was such a crazy swirl of events and errands to run. Then the wedding was a burst of color and voices and laughter. After that, we left for Ann Arbor and spent four and a half weeks worrying about nothing except whether we had milk in the fridge and how soon the phone line would be up.
I saw Lin Kiat off at the Detroit airport this afternoon. It was farewell for now, till late December when we will meet again for Christmas (and to see Return of the King). I knew this day would arrive, but never expected it to come so soon. We'd written each other letters - I wrote mine when he was out running an errand, he wrote his when I was in the bedroom studying for my Italian exam (and playing Tomb Raider on my Gameboy Advance). His letter comforted me when I returned to the apartment, a silent and terrible space that reminded me of the weeks we enjoyed together, weeks that I won't experience until perhaps next spring when Lin Kiat will visit again.
'Arrivederci' means 'we will meet again' in Italian, it's a phrase people use when they part. It doesn't hold the wistful meaning of goodbye but a hopeful note of crossing paths in the future. I suppose I shouldn't mope these next few weeks, and I suppose that I will be busy with school soon - writing, reading and grading papers - and that will be enough to keep me from dwelling on sad thoughts. But for now, the apartment is half empty, I'm still sleeping on one side of the bed and I've taken to talking to my Serta sheep toy, a little guy that Lin Kiat and I adopted.
It's been twelve days since the wedding, and Lin Kiat and I are now half a world away from the place where we married.
We've been telling people who've asked that being married is "surreal, but nice", a phrase used in one of our favorite movies.
The wedding weekend went by quickly, and I seemed to be running on adrenaline those two days. (Well, I seemed to be doing that already in the week leading up to the 19th.) Here are some high points (in no particular order of preference):
1. Watching my parents place the veil over my head.
2. Having my oldest and closest girlfriends Des, Van, May and Joan dart about my room as I was getting made up on Saturday morning.
3. Being thankful that I made the right decision to choose my god-sister, Aimai to be my unofficial bridesmaid. It was also great to see her hamming it up with the above-mentioned ladies-in-waiting.
4. Handing my mom a rose just before I took my place beside Lin Kiat at church.
5. Laughing out loud as my dad stepped and stumbled over the train of my dress after he handed me to Lin Kiat.
6. Exchanging our vows and rings (and thankfully, not making any major mistakes).
7. Listening to the beautiful choir made up of our friends and my brother, Randy.
8. Eating dinner at Spageddies in Millenia Walk on Saturday night. Lin Kiat and I had a peaceful dinner on our own and we seemed to be in the eye of the storm, that calm place that exists for moments before everything would sweep around us again on Sunday.
9. Writing my speech while having my hair done (okay, this wasn't really a good thing, I should have done it ages ago, and since I was panicking everything came out garbled, including my handwriting).
10. Walking into the ballroom and seeing my brother on the piano while Mogan sang the song "She". They'd kept this as a surprise, and it was a good one. A lot of people mentioned later that they thought it was a CD playing!
11. Listening to Chris's speech about Lin Kiat. Chris and his wife, Amy, flew out from Michigan to be with us at our wedding. After me, Chris was the person who spent the most time with Lin Kiat during our Ann Arbor days.
12. Watching my oldest friend, Vanessa Tan, up on stage as she made fun of me and said good things about me in the space of four minutes.
13. Admiring the beautiful ballroom that Conrad and Audrey of By Candlelight decorated for our dinner. We had an unconventional rectangular bridal table and white lanterns on each table.
14. Watching all our friends and family members enjoy the dessert buffet (which Lin Kiat and I could not join).
15. Talking to as many people as we could; laughing; hugging; taking pictures.
16. Getting back to our Presidential Suite at last to eat some food packed from our dinner (during the banquet,I'd only had two prawns, some duck skin and a bit of soup).
17. Being surprised by the bottle of champagne, strawberries and rose petal bubble bath that Conrad had prepared for us.
18. Being married at last! (I don't have to look at bridal magazines any more!)
I took this picture a few nights before the big day - the rings are still sitting tight in their boxes and this was the program that I read several times, hoping that I would remember what I had to say during the service.
Green is an appropriate color - I felt so green planning this wedding and wondering how to make everything work. Thank goodness most of the two days went well.
More thoughts soon...must clear mess in room, now that we've lugged everything back home.
The clock reads 9.11. It's still peaceful in my room where I'm writing this. Ennio Morricone music from the film Love Affair plays and the day outside is cool from the morning rain.
My mother passed me a letter written on the paper we bought together in Florence. My father was quiet as he went about his own duties. My brother is already at the church preparing the choir and getting his guys to ready everything else.
Somewhere Lin Kiat is waking and remembering what he has to do.
So many thoughts, my stomach in knots. I know my mind is getting worse when I start writing in verse!
This is what it feels like. Something beyond a thrill, yet calm somewhere in a small, private space within my soul. God is near. And all those whom we love, who've passed on, they too know what this day means.
I wish I could keep writing, but I have to wash my face now and do some push-ups to wake my muscles up!
In another twenty-four hours, I will be seated before my mother's mirror and will be in the middle of a hair and make-up session. I can't believe how quickly the week has passed. My Monday morning stroll by the beach seems an age ago. I've already hit the surreal stage.
Last night's rehearsal was intense, tense but beautiful. The flower girls and page boys made us all so proud. They smiled, they obeyed and they walked. My father did his most important task well (he got it right on the first try without any instruction) - he took my hand and unhooked it from his arm, and then placed it in Lin Kiat's palm. Even the lady helping us rehearse was impressed by my dad. You'd think he'd done this before!
The small choir group put together by my brother rehearsed too. They sounded marvellous. All six singers were miked up (with no small assistance from Bert, one of the members of Akatones) and our friend, Peiming (PhD student in piano, no less!) played on the electric piano. Lin Kiat and I sat on our chairs and looked up to where they were singing. I'd never felt so happy - sitting next to my fiance in church and listening to the most beautiful hymns.
The guest list is shaping up into a decent one despite a number of drop-outs. I'm sad that some good friends won't be able to make it - either to the church, or to the banquet or both. But I'm pleased that we'll have some special guests who played very important roles in my life:
1. Mrs. Luse, my piano teacher, who didn't whip me into shape for my Grade 7 and 8 exams, she drew me gently into shape. She never raised her voice but always guided and persuaded. She has excellent skills of persuasion - when I first studied under her, I expressed clearly that I had no wish to take another piano exam. A year later, I somehow signed myself up for Grade 7, which is a big deal since I'd failed Grade 5 and had barely passed Grade 6 under a teacher who left me with zero good memories. I scored a distinction for Grade 7 and didn't look back.
2. Father Ambrose, the funny priest who inspired Lin Kiat and me at our Engaged Encounter weekend. It's a pity his mother, who was my father's English teacher, passed away many years ago and cannot be there. I remember spending Christmases with her and her family. My parents were at Father Ambrose's ordination so it's great he should be at the wedding.
3. Our family dentist, Dr. Wang. He's been seeing me since I sprouted my first set of teeth, which I still believe was better than my present one.
Seating everyone perfectly in tables of 12 is a logistical nightmare. Everyone wants to sit with someone in particular or maybe someone doesn't want to sit with another person, and that couple should really sit with that person and...and... . I can draw links between everyone and still end up with gaps that cannot be filled or a table with only nine people.
Speaking of links, here's a mind-blowing one:
One of our guests, Dr. Seow, a leading orthopaedic surgeon, is a close family friend of Lin Kiat's; he happens to be treating the mother of our florist; and our florist happens to be the best friend of my god-mother (also my witness) and is also the god-daughter (or maybe the florist's sister is the god-daughter) of my mother's best friend from school!
Seven more days of planning and fiddling with the list. Seven more days of dress fittings, meeting friends and rehearsals and ringing up vendors and making arrangements with the church. Seven more days of fright and fatigue.
Wait, I think it's six days. When Saturday arrives, it will be showtime.
This is the Elvish engraving on the inside of Lin Kiat's and my wedding bands. Just thought I'd put it up for anyone who's curious.
It means "my life and my love" - the two things we're pledging to each other on July 19th.
I wish they were suede, but they're just leather. My shoes for the wedding weekend - look out for that flash of pale blue beneath the hem of my dress as I walk down that aisle!
I got the design off a pair that Reese Witherspoon was wearing at the premiere of Sweet Home Alabama. Her shoes were in black velvet - very pretty - but seeing as how I can't wear black shoes at my wedding, I settled for a pale blue - something blue, after all!
The shoe people couldn't replicate the rounded toe or tapered heels in the picture so I compromised with a sharper toe and an old-fashioned heel that is a little more stable for walking - very important since I have a phobia of stumbling. I guess I better get my dress soon so I can practice walking. *gulp*
Yesterday, Lin Kiat and I spent an afternoon folding and trimming the inside pages of our church program booklet. We made 180 copies so that amounts to 900 sheets of paper. We were so pooped we ordered pizza and watched Ocean's 11 to unwind.
Today, my mom, two good friends from my choir days - June and Xinyi - and I set out to bind the booklets. I'd already had the covers printed together with the church invitation cards so we just had to put the covers with the inner sheets, tie them up and voila! Okay, not so easy. I knew from the start that it would take a lot of labor, so I roped in my two friends.
A lot of thought went into how to bind them in a practical but tasteful way. After deliberating for a few weeks, I finally settled on silver thread on the spine. Then I proceeded to the next stage which involves selecting the right type of silver thread (Lin Kiat and I did this last weekend). There are two ways to use thread on the spine. One is just tying the thread in a knot and bow along the spine and the other is piercing two holes in the spine and threading the silver twine through the holes and then tying a knot. I selected the two-holes-in-the-spine way because I felt the other method would have the pages slipping and sliding despite the thread along the spine.
Naturally this better method would involve more work - making the holes in the spine. My dad came to the rescue with a little hand-gadget that is impossible to find these days. On occasions like these, my dad's penchant for unusual gadgets really saved the day. This one doesn't even have a name. I punctured the holes by squeezing the handles (like pliers) to lift the needle, placing the papers beneath the sharp needle, letting go - in went the needle, out it went as I squeezed the handles again - and then, there was a perfectly rounded hole. My palm was also aching because of the spring in the gadget. I had to squeeze the gadget four times for each booklet. So I had to do this 720 times! My palm is still sore as I'm typing this.
Well, Xinyi and June helped with the hole-puncturing after seeing my red and bruised palm. They had been tying the threads while my mom put the finishing touch on each knot - tying more knots on the basic one to form a tiny rosette.
We finished just in time for dinner, and after a hearty meal, I sent my friends home (they live really close by, and I knew they would be tired after this afternoon so I wanted to get them home fast to recover!) and then arranged all the booklets in a box. Ready and waiting for July 19th!
Lin Kiat and I went to Fairy's Inc today to pick up the rings. The engraving looked right, but not as deep into the band as I'd hoped it would be. No matter, when we send them for polishing a year from now, we'll have the engraving deepend. 1st anniversary ritual?
But they looked lovely. And we were happy.
A red sarong kebaya with peacock and leaf motifs, generous helpings of yellow and green, and a fitted waist. This is the traditional Peranakan outfit that I will wear for the wedding tea ceremony at Lin Kiat's house. This worked out fine at the fitting. The sarong was rather long though. Either Francis - the designer and dress-maker - believes me to be taller than I really am or he thinks I'm capable of wearing three and a half inch heels without putting my ankles in grave danger.
I tried on my white dress again. Yes, it fits much better now. Everything looks normal. Nice buttons on the back, a nipped-in waist and a natural-looking bodice. Still too long, I think. I should have my ankles insured if I end up having to wear heels that are too high for me.
Blue evening dress - this time, I felt like Arwen Evenstar when I put the dress on. I didn't even need to be tall or pointy-eared. This dress wins top prize for making the wearer look like she's wandered off the set of a movie.
While my mother spoke to Francis about her outfit, I entertained myself by trying on some of the wedding dresses hanging on display. I didn't believe any would fit tiny me, but I found one that looked small enough and headed for the fitting room. Two minutes later, I'm in a strapless ballgown that looked as if it were made just for me! A perfect fit. Even the length was just nice (after I put on a pair of three inch heels and tottered around a bit). I never thought I could pull off a strapless dress, but there I was, decked in chiffon and embroidery and a bodice that made breathing just a wee bit difficult.
I was a little sad that this dress wasn't on display and on clearance months ago when I first visited the shop. I might have bought it and not have one custom-made. Buying it now when it's on clearance would be of no help either - no bride should have two white wedding dresses; that's just not right, even if she walks down two aisles - one at church and one at the wedding banquet. At least it seems that way to me. For the amount of money that Lin Kiat is already paying for my dress, I should wear that one dress and make it last as I walk down the aisle in church and say my vows. I should have only one dress to remember July 19th by.
My friend Desiree asked me to set up a wishlist for the wedding. It's hard because Lin Kiat and I aren't planning to get our own place yet. I have a very long wishlist on Amazon.com (4 pages, last I checked!) but I'm not sure if books and CDs are what Desiree had in mind.
In any case, as and when I come up with something, I'll put it as an entry.
The first I've thought of is a pair of Fortuny lamps. The first time I heard of them was during a tour of Italy in the summer of 1998. A lady from Boston in our group said she would be hunting for them once we reached Venice, which is the city from which the lamp originates. She didn't purchase one in the end, though I never asked her why. Last year, my parents and I found a shop in Venice that sold the beautiful lamps (the same shop from which I bought a dark blue silk bag for my mother during my stay in Italy) and we were close to buying one, but didn't because we were backpacking and hopping on and off trains, which was not ideal for transporting a fragile Fortuny. Does anyone ever succeed in buying one from the Most Serene City?
Last week, I was at Indochine with a few friends (on a Thursday evening! On a weekday!), and directly opposite from our table, across the road, was a window lit with the glow from six Fortuny lamps hanging from a dark copper rod. I was delighted by the sight and ran over to gaze at the lamps. The shop is a new one - Vanilla Home - and I have no idea if their lamps are really from Venice or local reproductions. If anyone's keen to admire them, the address is 48 Club Street.
The train of a dress is a curious thing - it drags on the floor, opens up into a mini fan-shaped carpet and has a 99% likelihood to make the bride trip (most likely only incompetent brides like myself). And trip I did, several times in fact. Last Tuesday, I spent a good two hours at the dressmaker's shop in the Esplanade. I was either attempting to take my first tentative steps in the long gowns or staring open-mouthed at myself in the mirror.
No, I wasn't exactly pleased with what I saw. The white dress was still big and made me look like "frump girl". The two lines of bone/wire sewn into the front of the dress for support and structure stood out like large veins and created the impression that my breasts were about to explode (everyone who knows me long enough is aware that I don't have breasts that are anywhere near to explosion level).
The blue evening dress was better. I felt (and maybe looked a little, if I may say so) like Princess Aurora of Sleeping Beauty who danced on her wedding night in a gown of pale blue. The dress was a better fit and the color was perfect. The fit still needs adjusting and I hope the next time I try it on, I'll be the ultimate happy camper.
I must confess that Lin Kiat had a better time at his first fitting the weekend before. The tailors at Gentleman's Quarters in Raffles Place are handling his suit, which is made from Cerrutti cloth. Many employees and partners of PricewaterhouseCoopers (my father included) have their pants and suits made there. Gentleman's Quarters is known for its well-cut pants and Lin Kiat took to his pair like a baby in a silk bunny suit (now, why did I use that comparison? It was the first thing that popped into mind, which isn't always the best, I'm afraid).
First fittings have a notable element of risk so it's good to approach the event with an open mind - for dresses, there won't be any beading or embroidery yet (mine were just swatches of white and blue cloth), and for suits, there'll be threading and chalk lines running over shoulders and chest, as if someone had mapped out all the roads in Toa Payoh on that beautiful dark Cerrutti silk.
Fingers crossed for second fitting!
Well, the church invitations have been printed and delivered to me (yesterday 27/05/03). The printer couldn't do a particular method of embossing that I wanted so I settled for silver as a fifth color in addition to four-color printing.
They look great! Enrico, my artist friend who has recently moved back to Belgium, painted a lovely mallorn leaf which I used as a motif. The image turned out better than I expected.
I have to be thankful that my contact at the printer, Pixel Tech, is a terribly nice lady who gave me an even nicer discount. When Dolly came to meet me, she looked at my invitation draft and asked if I was Catholic. Turns out she's Catholic too, so our first meeting was spent talking mostly about churches in Singapore and Father Ambrose (the wonderful priest at my Engaged Encounter weekend). We did get round to discussing the print specs eventually.
Now I'm just waiting for the banquet invitations to be ready, and then I'll get cracking on that guest list!
I'm getting more dissatisfied by the minute with the church I've chosen for my wedding. First, they tell me they will not allow couples to choose their own florists to decorate the church - we have to use the church volunteer florist and go with whatever she decides. The parish priest (not the priest who'll preside over my ceremony) insists upon it so that there can be a standard look for all weddings at this particular church. He's basically enforcing homogenity on a ceremony that is already pretty standard, which makes brides want to add more personal touches to set theirs apart from the hundreds of weddings that take place. Why the insistence on 'sameness'? Many weddings have the standard rituals of readings, prayer, exchanging of vows and rings, why not let marrying couples have the freedom to express their personality through - at the very least - the flowers?
I managed to calmly accept this rule. Then I learned of another - this priest has banned the lighting and blessing of the matrimonial candle! Now, we're talking blessed and sacred things here like weddings and churches, but I really want to yell out expletives! The blessing and lighting of the unity candle is as huge and important a ritual as the blessing and exchanging of rings in a Catholic wedding ceremony. What in the world is the priest thinking? What is it with him and his wedding rules?
When Lin Kiat and I went for the Engaged Encounter weekend, we were given an EE candle that would take us through the months leading up to the wedding. The unity candle which we're meant to receive on our wedding day signifies an even bigger union and promise to each other and to Christ for the rest of our marriage life. Taking away the unity candle from a wedding is like taking away the candles from a child's birthday cake. Every child blows out the candles on his cake and every wedded couple at church lights their unity candle together.
The church florist who told me about this rule said, "This saves you some money, you don't have to go out and get the candle." Well, honey, let me tell you something, this isn't about money. It's about the rituals and promises that we choose to believe in and make good. What happened to meaning? What happened to preserving the small beauty of simple acts and traditions?
If I can't find another church that still believes in such traditions, if I can't find another church with more understanding and flexibility, if I'm still stuck with this rigid church, well, I'm going ahead with that one ritual. I'm breaking the rule. If they dare to come up during the ceremony and take away my candle, well, I promise there'll be some strong words to be heard. Hands off, and let me have my candle.
Lin Kiat and I finally picked out our wedding rings yesterday afternoon. A few months ago, we'd checked out a shop in Ngee Ann City called Flower Diamond, which my friend and colleague, Karen, recommended. However, we wanted to scout around some more before making a decision. Last week, I read about a shop called Fairy's Inc at Delphi Orchard in one of the numerous wedding magazines that every bride feels compelled to - even if she really doesn't want to - purchase as her wedding day draws closer.
The article/advertisement had an ethereal image and some rather fluffy prose that included fairy dust and golden and silver thingees (if you've read my post on fantasy art, you'll be aware of my aversion to fantasy ideas and items that have moved into the kitsch zone). However, the article promised good service and going the extra step in free engraving and customizing designs. So I told Lin Kiat we were going to test the waters and see if this shop really lives up to its fantasy image.
Lin Kiat and I knew we wanted simple bands, which shouldn't be a problem for any shop; the challenge would be providing us with the engraving we want - an Elvish inscription on the inside of the rings. I had the inscription prepared earlier and always keep a print-out of it in my bag. We arrived at Fairy's Inc and after selecting a few choice rings, I whipped out my papers and asked Evelyn, one half of the duo that owns and runs the shop, if they could manage an engraving that isn't Roman or Latin, which is what I understand to be the in-thing now among wedding couples. She seemed a bit shocked when I mentioned Elvish (perhaps she thought i was referring to Elvis), but I explained a little more and she seemed to know what I was talking about after all.
Evelyn really is quite a pleasant young lady (perhaps no older than myself) and she did provide very friendly and patient service to Lin Kiat and me. She told us about the in-house or master engraver they persuaded to work for them and informed us that he would be able to accomplish the task. He would do the engraving by hand and we would just have to pay a higher fee for the complicated script. I asked her three times whether she was sure he could carve a message in Elvish, and she responded confidently all three times.
So we narrowed down our choice to a pair of white gold rings - matte and unplated (which means it has a slight yellow or champagne shade to it) - paid a deposit and left the place feeling rather pleased. Well, I was pleased, because I could cross another task off my list and because I'm going to get my very own version of The One Ring. I could begin chanting "One ring to rule them all" but then of course, Lin Kiat's got the other ring to rule me all! I suppose we'll just wind up ruling over each other.
I suppose dreams really do tell a lot about what's kept in the over-filled chest of drawers in my untidy mind. Two nights ago, while the world outside was quiet, inside my head I was bracing myself for my wedding. It was just two hours before the ceremony, and I was looking at my dress and feeling forlorn - in the dream, I didn't manage to fit a single fitting into my schedule and paid the price of having a wedding dress that was flimsy, had untidy embroidery and did not wear well. Everything else was half-done too - lacklustre church programmes, something wrong with the guest list, and I forgot to buy pantyhose. I guess my dreamcatcher failed to catch this nightmare.
Goal for this weekend - need to accomplish more wedding tasks and do them well! First on list - buy pantyhose. Three pairs.
This post should have been written a week ago when Lin Kiat and I returned last Sunday evening from our Engaged Encounter weekend organized by the Catholic Church. There were many things about the weekend that moved me, and I wanted to wait till I had some spare time and a list-free mind (ie. not stressing about other things like work or wedding preparations) to put them all in writing.
Lin Kiat and I signed up for Engaged Encounter (ours was the 300th weekend, 14/03/03-16/03/03) because we intended to marry in church and because I'm Catholic. Of the seven sacrements that Catholics believe are ways of directly encountering Jesus, only two are sacrements of service, directed towards the salvation of others: Matrimony and Holy Orders. Everyone can imagine how much preparation is needed for a man to become a priest, but few believe it takes a lot to ready oneself - or rather two people - to be married.
We prepared for this weekend without knowing what we were getting ourselves into. Honestly, we just wanted it to be over swiftly. We needed the certificate and we wanted it fast. On Thursday, the day before EE was to begin, we packed our bags and moaned quite a bit. Bug repellant, check. Sweater, check. Shampoo, toothbrush. Check, check. Excitement? Er, hmm. What we felt was fear of the unknown. I was steeling myself for cold showers in Punggol and early breakfasts with strange couples equally anxious and unwitting about the weekend.
The reason why we approached the weekend totally ignorant was because couples who've previously gone for this course have been requested not to reveal too much about Engaged Encounter. My god-sister only mentioned bugs, cold nights and fun. In actuality, not knowing heightens the experience and gives the weekend a unique and never-a-dull-moment quality. It also perpetuates the element of fear so that everyone who's done the weekend gets to enjoy watching the faces of the next round of newbies.
Engaged Encounter is a course run internationally by the Catholic Church. It began in 1968 in Detriot - Michigan! Yeah! Go Blue! Sorry, couldn't resist that - and came to Singapore in the 1980s. Today, you can attend the EE course anywhere in the world and know that every course is based on the same formula, which I believe was derived by psychologists, counselors, spritual advisors et al.
From here, there are a few options. Choose which suits you better:
1) I'm Catholic and will probably go for EE eventually with my fiance/fiancee, so I can't read further, but would like to know more about EE. I'll choose to read more here and not read the rest of this post.
2) I'm not Catholic, I'm Vanessa's friend and want to read all or as much as she can tell me about hers and Lin Kiat's experience at the weekend encounter. I've been waiting a long time for her to write about this weekend she keeps waxing lyrical about. Scroll down.
3) I'm Catholic. I don't mind reading about EE before I actually go for it one day, even though I really shouldn't. Scroll down at own risk.
4) I'm Lin Kiat and I want to make sure Vanessa isn't writing funny things about me. Well, the weekend is my story too, and I want to read and remember the good things that happened during the three days. Definitely read on!
We found the location in Punggol without any problems. In fact, we got there early and drove past Punggol 17th Avenue (deliberately?), heading instead for the jetty at Punggol Beach. We spent some fifteen minutes there, admiring the sea, the fading sunlight and cooking up excuses not to go for the course. Lin Kiat was more vocal and I kept playing the strong one - "No, we're going to do this" - although inside, I was just as apprehensive as he.
Eventually, we left the pretty sunset and mild breezes behind and drove back to the darkening Punggol 17th Avenue. There was St. Francis Xavier Major Seminary, though that wasn't our destination (as mentioned earlier, there are only two sacrements of service, and one chooses either matrimony or holy orders - can't do both, for obvious reasons). Past that was the Marriage Encounter House (Marriage Encounter is another course, one that couples attend some years into their marriage. Lin Kiat and I will let you know more on that one in the future), where Engaged Encounter is held.
There were a few other couples there - some were about our age, others were older, but all were wearing the same look of dread and fear that I imagine we had on our faces. Lin Kiat and I sat down with our bags and a couple talked a little with us - Ivan and Natalie from Malaysia.
Within the next half hour, all 32 couples were registered and the weekend officially began. The presenting couples were Lewis and Connie (Connie's the boss in that marriage) and Melville and Susana (Melville has a bad sense of direction when driving). The priest for this weekend was Father Ambrose Vaz. How lucky Lin Kiat and I were to be there on the weekend with Father Ambrose. Father Ambrose's mother was my father's English teacher in secondary school. When I was small, our family, with the families of three other old students (the old faithfuls, my mom calls them), would spend Christmas and birthdays with Auntie Vaz, Mr Vaz, Ambrose and Eugene. Ambrose and Eugene later became ordained as priests, and my parents attended their ceremony and dinner. After Aunty Vaz passed away, the gatherings ceased and I didn't see the other Vaz family members for many years.
Anyway, Father Ambrose was the key to the terrific weekend. His humor, wit, inspiring anecdotes and sensitivity to non-Catholics made everyone comfortable and actually happy to be there that weekend. One of the first things he said was, "Are you afraid of being bored? Well, you'll be spending the next 46 hours with the person who's supposed to be the most interesting person to you. If, at the end of the weekend, you say you were bored, remember that this is the person you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with. If you're bored, something's not right yet, yeah?" Other aspects of the weekend course that Father Ambrose brought to our attention included not socializing with other people - no parties, no large gatherings - because we ought to be focusing our attention on our partners. These were 46 precious hours to close ourselves away from the world and its burdens, and think only of the person beside us and of the life we were preparing to spend together.
The main activity of this weekend was writing and talking. There is a set list of topics the course will introduce, which include how we view ourselves, how we view our partners, communication, financial planning, family planning, the spiritual aspect of marriage, and how to be life-giving and generous to each other. The presenting couples will then relate their experience, choosing events relevant to the topics. Out of respect to the two couples whom Lin Kiat and I have grown fond of, we cannot repeat what they revealed to us over the weekend. It took great courage and generosity to share what they did with us - the high and low points of their marriages, the burdens and unexpected sorrows and joys they encountered over their years together.
Each young couple is then given a list of questions and they sit apart and write their answers in their journals. They then join up and exchange books, words and thoughts. Everyone is encouraged to take the questions and answers seriously. It can be painful and emotionally draining when two people bring up thoughts too deep and vocalize feelings they never dared reveal before. There were couples who looked tense during their sessions - some girls were crying softly - and some who looked calm and happy. It was typical for the girls to write more and the guys to jot their thoughts quickly. Lewis reminded us girls that it wasn't a writing competition and that whatever questions we couldn't cover in time, we should take them up even after the weekend is long over. Lin Kiat and I were often curious about the other couples - some seemed really young and anxious about discussions on marriage, others looked confident and some just looked plain bored. I wonder what others thought about us. Ultimately, it didn't matter what we looked to the rest of the people, what counted was what we shared and said to each other.
Lin Kiat and I were happy to discover how much our thoughts and hopes were in sync. And for the bits which we didn't agree on, we agreed to find a balance between each other. One of the final sessions, which was one of the high points - actually, it was the high point - guided couples to write bethrothal pledges to each other. A promise or promises we agree to keep while we make our journey towards the altar and beyond. Naturally, mine included a vow to stop whining about fiddly wedding preparations and to control my stress levels that rise way out of proportion to the actual situation. There were a few more things I promised Lin Kiat that out of privacy I won't reveal here. Lin Kiat's pledge - I've always prided myself on being the more articulate one when in fact, I'm not (Lin Kiat's the one whose letters get published in The Straits Times Forum) - was better than mine, I'm happy to report. I can't say much more except that it included a sketch of a landscape that is dear to my heart and contains all the things that we care about and often dream of.
There was a prayer session on Saturday night that moved us both. One expects non-Catholics to be averse to such activities, but this one was special and easy for anyone to appreciate because it focused on praying and blessing each couple, that they would share a special and lasting bond. Who wouldn't want that? A good marriage is a photograph of God - His presence and gift of love is there for the couple to embrace. A person can find protection and comfort in that knowledge, in whatever form he sees God. At ten pm, the session began, and Father Ambrose told us that around Singapore there were couples who had been given our names and were praying at that very moment for us. Each couple was given a candle - their EE candle - and it was lit by the presenting couple or Father Ambrose who prayed over them. This candle is meant for the couple to keep and use on their path leading up to the wedding day - for trying days and in difficult times. On the wedding day, they get a larger candle to last them for more than 25 years of difficult moments. Renewable, of course.
I did experience a couple of cold showers and awkward breakfasts during the weekend. People were generally polite but distant. My roommate, Trina, was intriguing and my natural curiousity wanted to know more about her and Lester, her fiance. But restraint held my tongue and I avoided asking too many questions and overdoing the socializing.
Lin Kiat enjoyed the weekend more than I believed he ever would, and we're more than ready to exchange our vows come July 19th. We finally understand the significance of marrying in church before God and how God will always be a part of our marriage union and how He continues to watch over us. For the mass on Sunday evening, Lin Kiat and I were invited to write and read a prayer for all couples in the room and across the world. In an extension of making and sharing that prayer for couples, Lin Kiat and I decided to volunteer for future weekends! A move on Lin Kiat's part really - it was all his idea, and I'm really proud he did so.
The weekend wasn't easy. It was draining because we dug deep into our hearts and unearthed the most difficult and inspiring parts of our relationship. It was exhausting because of the endless sessions that ended late on both nights. I didn't sleep well and missed my own bed. But the discomfort and pain was worth what Lin Kiat and I had gained. What we gained was all intangible. I can't ever bottle it and keep it handy. It's all in the memory and of course, in our books, which we'll never show to anyone but each other.
Earlier this morning the world was waiting for the war to begin in the Middle East. And it did. The first US strike or coalition attack aims to take out artillery targets with precision munitions, with the hope of underminding Saddam Hussein's military capability.
It's 12.35, and while I wait to meet an artist about my church wedding invitations, I'm beseiged by grim flahses of how swiftly and cruelly the world turns in our present day. My personal happiness during this period is mottled by the continuing fears of war, disease and floundering economies. As I gather my thoughts of wedding and celebration about me, I cannot help but feel a little despondent. I can but pray that by the time July 19 comes round, the world will be a quieter and more settled place.
The motif on the card will be a single mallorn leaf. A green and silver leaf that represents fellowship and a wish for peace in all lands. The one leaf that Pippin Took wore and tossed to the wind as a message to Aragorn. A sign of life, and of hope.
Last night, despite my bad cold and spinning head, I went to see the dress-maker hired to provide me with an outfit that would make me appear taller, prettier, looking more like a bride than a flower-girl (seeing as how my vertically-challenged body and child-like features leave me perpetually struggling for a more grown-up look befitting of my age).
I was prompt for my appointment, armed with pictures of other vertically-challenged (though still taller than me) women who manage to look stunning in their made-for-the-red-carpet gowns. Yet I still couldn't decide if I wanted a haute couture lookalike dress - read: high glamour factor - or an elegant, understated outfit. I don't usually enjoy being looked at, but as a bride, I'm not allowed to hover in the background. People keep telling me, "It's your day, it's your night! Shine, shine, shine! You will be admired, fawned upon, everyone will want to kiss you!" Er, sure.
One of the magazines I brought with me contained an article on Alberta Ferretti, exquisitely groomed Italian designer, who says, "Clothing shouldn't be a protagonist in [your] life, but it should support your desire to live to the fullest, to be the best you can be." Ms Ferretti is a prime example of attaining one's best. She not only designs beautiful clothes, but also runs Aeffe, the corporate entity that is home to Jean Paul Gaultier, Narcisco Rodriguez and Moschino.
"I wish women would go out and find a new dress that works for them, rather than for the occasion," she said. "Too often women go over the top and buy a dress they think is dramatic because they are unsure of themselves but they want to be noticed. But the dress they choose is obvious and sometimes vulgar because it doesn't really reflect their personality. A dress can't make you shine."
How does a small person shine? Alberta claims such style deficiencies or problems have less to do with one's external proportions than their internal ones. "I am very short. So is Salma [Hayek] and so is Reese [Witherspon]. You adjust. Regardless of their sizes and ages, all women have the potential for beautiful style. A small woman with a healthy sense of self can be very hard not to notice."
After a good hour of sifting through silhouette and pattern possibilities and considering my own sense of self - how healthy or unhealthy it is - I settled for something more elegant than glamorous, but still possessing a small element of drama. Very small.